


We Called it Love

by serohtonin



Series: The Long Grift [5]
Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Beards (Relationships), Blow Jobs, Closeted Character, Hand Jobs, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Infidelity, Reunion Sex, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-05-01 00:39:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5185583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amidst Darren's return from Europe, the closing of Hedwig and the planning of the first annual Elsie Fest, he and Chris attempt to have a real relationship. But can it be real when it's forced to stay hidden?</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Called it Love

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't claim any of the relationships depicted herein or the description of Darren's sexuality to be the truth. Though this is based on real events and real people, the plotline is completely fictitious. I also don't own the rights to anything or anyone mentioned in this fic. Title taken from a lyric in "The Origin of Love" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

"And then the numbers went down," Darren says flatly during a livestream as he watches usernames disappearing from the chat in droves. "Don't talk about Elsie Fest. Talk about Glee or Chris Colfer or something. That's what gets everyone excited."

He doesn't mean to say it like that. It's just that he's so tired - tired of the constant traveling, the grueling filming in a foreign country, and his heart and body craving Chris so damn much.

Ever since they decided to try again, they've been apart more than they've been together and nearly every second has been hell. Sure, it's fucking amazing to travel to Italy again and revisit some old haunts but it only brings back memories of who he used to be and how he wishes Chris were here. They haven't seen each other since the day that Darren finished his run on Broadway; that night, Chris showed up to Darren's apartment and after years of tiptoeing around the truth, Darren finally laid his heart bare for Chris.

Miraculously, Chris accepted him but it hasn't been easy. There have been phone calls filled with arguments about their past, future and present, namely the mess they dragged other people into when they couldn't face their true feelings for each other. Chris admitted that another man slept in his bed, even after his reunion with Darren. Though Darren screwed up too, maintaining his own charade of a relationship. Somehow Darren and Chris are still working at being together amidst this chaos. Darren hopes, however, that Chris hasn't found out about this recent mention of him during a conversation that barely has anything to do with their relationship.

But apparently Chris has.

The sun is rising in Italy and Darren hasn't slept yet when his phone lights up with Chris' name.

 _"You don't want to talk about me, huh?"_ Chris laughs, the bright sound flooding Darren's ears. __

"So you heard?"

_"I may have caught a sound bite or two."_

"Fuck, babe. You know I didn't mean it like that. I--"

_"I know. Darren, relax. We're in a good place, remember? I'm glad you even thought of me."_

Darren rubs his eye with his palm and stifles a yawn. Then he pats the empty space next to him in bed. "I'm always thinking of you."

 _"Me too,"_ Chris replies, quietly adding, _"God, I miss you."_

"Miss you too. In a couple of weeks, I'll be home. Wait for me?"

Chris sighs. _"Always."_

\----

Darren jet sets through a few more countries in Europe after wrapping up the film, sharing his adventures with Chris through picture and video messages on his phone. He lets Chris know that his first stop stateside is New York, a fitting end to a whirlwind month and a half by returning to the place where his heart last felt grounded. Though he's mostly there for work, he hopes Chris takes the hint and finds the time to be with him.

However he gets dropped off to an empty apartment and spends his first night back alone. He sleeps on the sofa where he and Chris shared sweaty half-naked promises and began their journey to forgiving each other.

When Darren sniffs the arm of the couch, he thinks it smells faintly of Chris' cologne and his chest swells with a pang of nostalgia for that night. Maybe there will be other nights like that soon.

But not tonight.

\----

The next morning, Darren hops out of the shower and is still clad in a towel when he sees a text from Chris:

_I'm home too._

_Does this mean what I think it means?_ Darren responds.

_Yes :) I'm in NYC. Plane just landed. Had to move some things around but I made it work. Are you in your apartment?_

Darren confirms that he is and suddenly he's thankful that his schedule is clear until early afternoon.

 _Tell me that you're coming over,_ Darren desperately types back less than a minute later.

_No. I figured I'd see the sights and be a tourist. ;)_

Darren shakes his head and chuckles but returns with:

_I'm not a sight to behold?_

_Nope. Not at all,_ Chris answers but then he quickly sends another message: _See you in half an hour. I can't wait._

Darren can't either. He hurriedly dresses, throwing on a clean t-shirt and the first pair of jeans that he can find.

Soon enough, there's a knock on the other side of the door and Darren opens it barely a second later. Chris' face is slightly flushed, his hair flops over his forehead, and his eyes are sadly obscured by dark sunglasses but all the breath leaves Darren's lungs anyway.

"You look... _wow,"_ Darren finishes.

Chris grins. "You're always so eloquent, Dare. I'm guessing that's a compliment though."

"Uh, yeah. It is. Can I--?" Darren asks, searching Chris' face and tentatively reaching towards him.

"Of course." Chris gulps.

Darren carefully lifts Chris' sunglasses, pushing them up on top of his head and revealing Chris' bright blue eyes.

Darren clears his throat. "There. That's better. I've missed you so fucking much."

"Me too."

He pulls Chris into a tight hug while Chris wraps one arm around him because the other is occupied with his messenger bag.

They stand in each other's embrace for a long moment, Darren burying his face into the crook of Chris' neck and breathing in the scent of his cologne. 

Darren reluctantly pulls away but clutches Chris' hand and brings him into the living room. "Come in. Welcome to my humble abode once again."

"I see it hasn't changed much given that you haven't been here since, well, since the last time I saw you."

Darren laughs. "I'm still living out of a suitcase. I didn't even unpack last night. I mean, I do have some clothes here anyway. It is _my_ place."

"That you don't share with anyone," Chris points out.

"Indeed." He doesn't miss how Chris' eyes glance down to his mouth.

"I definitely don't miss sneaking out of your place before your roommates woke up back when we--"

Darren's free hand squeezes Chris' hip, effectively interrupting him. "It's different now. _We're_ different now. I don't want to think about those days and I don't want you to leave before morning anymore. Maybe we're still hiding but I'm not hiding from you. I want to protect what's important to me, you know? So I want to be careful about this, as far as everyone else is concerned." He leaves it at that, still unsure about how he's going to proceed publicly about their relationship.

"I understand." Chris nods, dropping his bag on the floor. "It's a good thing I packed a bag then," he jokes, stepping closer, their bodies nearly brushing together. "Have I mentioned I missed you?"

"Chris, I--I want you to--"

"I want you too. I got it," Chris assures him, leaning down to nuzzle his nose against Darren's. "I won't push you into anything that you're not ready for. Having you is enough for now. I don't want to think about the rest and I don't want to talk anymore. No--" He presses a quick kiss to Darren's mouth. "No pressure, okay?"

"Mmhmm. Mmph," Darren murmurs, crashing his lips against Chris', his other hand finding purchase on Chris' other hip while Chris cups Darren's face.

Darren reaches under the hem of Chris' shirt, desperate to get at bare skin. Darren nips at Chris' lower lip and then his upper lip, daring to sneak his tongue past the seam. He swallows Chris' moans and digs his thumbs into Chris' hips as Chris returns the kiss with equal fervor. One of Chris' hands leaves Darren's face and suddenly there's a crash, causing Darren to jump away.

"Sorry." Chris giggles. "Just my sunglasses. Had to get rid of those. Come back here."

Darren shakes his head. "You're fucking ridiculous." He kisses Chris' mouth once more. "I love you so much."

"Enough to kiss me again?"

"Maybe."

"Shut up, Dare."

He does, clutching Chris' hips and sucking at the scar low on Chris' neck.

Chris groans. "B-better."

Darren licks at the spot and sucks harder, his hands sneaking under Chris' shirt again.

"Fuck. Take it off, you tease."

Darren keeps his mouth where it is for a few moments and then pulls away, breathing out against Chris' skin. "God, you don't know how long I've waited to do that again. You taste so good."

Chris chuckles wryly. "I remember. It's your fault that I had to start wearing scarves."

"You could bring them back. It's almost fall weather," Darren whispers and kisses up Chris' neck.

"Not in L.A."

Darren licks the shell of Chris' ear and replies, "Never stopped you before. And we're not in L.A., babe."

"True, but--Ahh!" Chris pauses as Darren bites at his earlobe. "You really are a tease."

"I don't have to be."

"Wh--?" Chris starts but it dies in his throat because Darren drops to his knees.

"I don't know if you remember but I miss you too and I haven't sucked you off in--oh, a long fucking time. So please, let me."

"Hell yes." Chris confirms, scratching at Darren's scalp.

Darren runs his nose up Chris' fly and looks up at him with a smile. "Good."

He slowly unbuttons and unzips Chris' pants, revealing Chris' mostly soft and still-clothed dick. Darren wordlessly trails his fingers along the outline of it, down to his balls. Then he rubs up and down the shaft, stroking him to semi-hardness.

"Unhh, Dare," Chris grunts out.

"Shh. I've got you," Darren reassures him, shimmying Chris' pants down his hips and thighs just enough. He mouths at Chris' balls through his underwear, first one and then the other, too eager to wait and strip him down. He licks a line up to the head and sucks there, so close to tasting Chris' arousal. He breaks away for a second, pleased to see a wet spot gathering at the tip before he peels the material off and watches Chris' cock spring free.

"Fuck, you're even more gorgeous than the last time," Darren says quietly, more to himself than Chris as he wraps a hand around the base.

Chris only responds with a groan as Darren licks at the slit, tasting a bit of precome on his tongue as he closes his mouth over the head. Darren sucks hard and inhales before taking a little more into his mouth. Chris is thick and heavy but he smells so clean, masculine, and of some other undefinable characteristic that's inherently Chris. Darren can't get enough so he steels himself and swallows a little more, working his jaw to allow himself to reach where his fist rests at the base.

He takes a moment to look up at Chris through his lashes and notices his eyes are closed and his mouth slightly parted, the picture of perfection. Darren's heart constricts in his chest and he can't remember why he ever let this go. Instead of dwelling on those reasons, though, he focuses on the present, bobbing his head up and down and creating a rhythm. He darts his tongue out as he pulls back, tracing the vein on the underside the way Chris likes. Then when he moves forward, he cups Chris' balls gently with his hand, eliciting a curse from Chris. 

"Oh, oh, yes, baby," Chris encourages, gripping the curls at the back of Darren's head. "You're always so good. Yeah."

Chris thrusts forward then and Darren almost gags but he doesn't care, enjoying how Chris takes from him and pulls his hair roughly. It spurs Darren on to suck harder, a trickle of fluid gathering in his mouth before Chris starts breathing heavier above him, a telltale sign that he's close.

Darren nearly pulls off, leaving his mouth around only the head as he lets his thumb graze Chris' asshole. With that, Chris clenches his fingers in Darren's curls and spills down his throat with a cry of Darren's name.

Darren swallows faithfully and jerks him through the aftershocks, kissing and licking until Chris softens in his hand. As soon as Darren catches his breath and rests his forehead against Chris' bare thigh, he feels his own cock straining in his jeans.

"Fuck me," Chris tells him, petting at Darren's hair. "Or at least let me touch you. I didn't get to last time."

"Shit. I can't right now. I don't wanna hurt you," Darren declares as Chris helps him up. "Plus I don't think I'll last that long and we really don't have time. I--I really want to, though."

"Later?" Chris asks, wasting no time to shove his hand into Darren's pants.

"Oh, oh God, yes. Tonight, we're--yeah."

"Already speechless and I don't even have lube." Chris laughs sweetly, a harsh contrast to working his hand over Darren's cock.

"Your bag?" Darren questions.

"Right." Chris groans. "But I kind of like where I am now. Give me one second."

Chris reluctantly takes his hand away to rifle through his bag and retrieve a small tube of lotion. "This'll have to do," Chris says. "I apologize in advance for your floor because I'm not moving from this spot."

"I don't give a fuck. Just touch me," Darren spits out, his eyes meeting Chris' gaze.

"Okay." Chris nods, squeezing some of the substance into his palm and then throwing the tube onto the floor. He rubs his hands together and blissfully returns to jacking Darren off. 

"Yeah, Chris, so close," Darren babbles, his face flushing in embarrassment that this'll be over so fast. 

"Good. Want to make you feel as amazing as you make me feel, Dare," he says low in Darren's ear. "I love you too. Love watching you get off. I love everything about you."

Soon after that, Darren comes over Chris' fist and a bit of it spurts onto Chris' shirt. Chris keeps stroking him, whispering sweet praises about Darren's mouth and the rest of his body while he goes flaccid in Chris' hand.

Darren thinks about Chris' words as he comes down and wonders why he held back in expressing his affections for Chris for so many years if he could have had this the whole time. He doesn't want to ever keep quiet about it again, at least not to the man before him. He makes a silent vow to show Chris that he loves him every single day for the rest of their lives.

Chris' other hand caresses up and down one of Darren's shoulders. "You're shaking. Are you okay?"

Darren glances down, realizing that Chris is right. "Yeah, I just--I'm really glad you're here."

"Me too. So let's not waste it." Chris kisses the corner of Darren's mouth and lets his hand fall away from Darren's cock. 

Darren pulls him in for a proper kiss and then says, "I promise I won't. Let's go to bed."

"Darren, it's the middle of the day."

"I don't care. We're cuddling until I have to leave. I do actually have work stuff today, babe." 

"Okay. I see how it is. A bicoastal booty call before you head off to work and I sit at home waiting for you," Chris jokes.

"You know that's not how it is, and I'd gladly skip it if it wasn't so damn important. I'm trying to get this festival off the ground and I really want people to come."

"Your name is attached to it. I'm sure more than a few people will show up." Chris reassures him with a kiss. 

"Thanks. Y'know, I do have room for a few guest performers to pop in. That would definitely bolster the ticket sales." Darren raises his eyebrows suggestively. 

Chris grins and his face flushes as he looks away. "I'm flattered that you'd consider me but we should probably clean up first and talk about it later."

"Fine. Spoilsport." Darren sticks his tongue out. "Don't give the people what they want."

"They want you." Chris smacks Darren's ass with his clean hand. "Now let's go. I have to wash my hands and get the smell of the plane ride off me."

"Ooh, I've missed your feistiness!" Darren exclaims, hastily pulling his pants up despite the slight mess. Then he turns away and heads down the hall toward the bathroom, dragging Chris by the hand.

"Yeah, well, I missed your ass."

Darren wiggles his hips, knowing that Chris is probably checking him out. "It missed you too. Maybe it could get some love this week. How long are you staying?"

They stop at the door to the bathroom and Darren spins to face him, a questioning look in his hazel eyes.

"Not sure yet. But I imagine we could work something out." Chris strokes Darren's cheek and softly smiles at him. "I do enjoy New York almost as much as I enjoy you."

"I'm glad you said almost," Darren answers fondly, letting Chris walk past him.

Chris takes some soap from the dispenser and turns the sink on to wash his hands. "You're a close second, I guess."

Darren bumps his shoulder before sneaking under the spray to clean his own hands. "Glad to know where I stand after I give you a fucking amazing blowjob that probably killed my voice for the day."

"Oh well, that's your fault, dear." Chris moves his hands away and dries them off with the nearby hand towel. "I wasn't about to stop you and your talented mouth."

"Dear?" Darren grins, tangling their fingers for a second as he towels off his hands.

"Maybe." Chris ducks his head, seeming younger somehow. "What do you think? Since we're doing this whole thing, I--"

Darren cuts him off with a kiss. "I love it. It's nicer than some of the other names you've called me."

"True."

"So, bed? I bet you're exhausted."

Chris scrunches his nose adorably. "I need a shower but I suppose it can wait until after you leave. That is, if I'm allowed to stay while you're gone."

"'Course you are. C'mon." He takes Chris by the hand and leads him to his bed. Chris lies flat and Darren curls around him, resting his head right over Chris' heart.

Darren can't help thinking that this is exactly where he should be and that he never wants to leave.

\----

But he has to because he has appearances and interviews to promote Elsie Fest. So he kisses Chris' forehead, reluctantly leaving him asleep in bed.

After a quick shower, he takes one last glance at Chris and catches a cab to the studio that he has to go to.

From there, he's off and running all day with barely enough time to eat or think, let alone contact Chris. 

While on his way back to the apartment, some friends from the city text him and ask what his plans are for dinner. He politely declines them all, declaring that he's too beat to hang out. Instead, he unlocks the door to his place to find the smell of Chinese food coming from the kitchen, yet Chris is nowhere to be found. He calls out and walks down the hallway, noticing that Chris is sitting on his bed, with unkempt hair, glasses perched on his nose, and his eyes fixed on a computer screen. 

Darren's heart warms at the sight, imagining a future very much like this one. He doesn't know where or how but he knows he wants Chris to be a part of it. With this in mind, he knocks on the open door. "Hey, babe. You got food?"

"Yeah, your favorite. Like half an hour ago. There's still some left on the counter," he says without looking up.

Darren walks over to him, laying a hand on his elbow and kissing him on the cheek. "Wow. You're the best."

"I know." Chris preens.

"Is it weird that I've been gone for less than twelve hours and I missed you the whole time?"

Chris finally meets his gaze with a smile. "I'd say yes but I feel the same. How was your day?"

"Tiring. Busy. You?"

"Mildly productive. I've been trying to finish this scene in my story but I'm kind of stuck."

Darren ghosts his fingers down Chris' arm before gripping his side and brushing his mouth along Chris' collarbone. "Maybe I could unstick you?"

"Mmm, that's a possibility."

Soon enough, Chris closes his laptop and sets it aside. Darren takes it as a sign, straddling Chris' lap.

"I'm so glad you're here," Darren murmurs into Chris' neck as his hands wander down Chris' chest. "Finally."

Darren gently eases Chris onto his back and Chris goes willingly. Darren sweeps the hair off Chris' forehead and pries the glasses away from his face.

Chris smiles at him, soft and private in a way he hasn't since before the bright lights of fame and image surrounded them, when they were just two people who happened to work together and were getting to know each other more intimately every day. Now it's much more complicated but still wonderful, the world once again narrowing to only them.

"Beautiful," Darren can't help saying as his fingertips linger at Chris' temple.

Chris blushes, closing his eyes. Darren's lips brush against one of Chris' eyelids and then the other, continuing down the bridge of his nose before hovering over Chris' lips.

"Darren," Chris pleads quietly and Darren knows what that means but he asks anyway.

"What do you want?"

"You," is all Chris answers.

"Okay." Darren swallows and here, in this bed, it feels like he can breathe easier, the air between them no longer fraught with the tension of whether or not this is going to last beyond the next few hours; he knows it will.

There are more conversations to be had about where the future leads and what that implies, but for now, all Darren wants is this, preferably with less layers between them. So he silently slips Chris' shirt off and then his own, enjoying the feel of Chris' warmth.

He runs his hands down Chris' sides, stopping at his hips. Then he kisses his mouth slowly and nudges his knee against Chris' inner thigh.

Chris parts his legs slightly, Darren settling between them while his mouth presses to Chris’ own hard and hungrily. Chris' hands find Darren's shoulder blades, digging into the bone almost painfully as they both begin to grind their hips together.

"Baby," Chris breaks away to whisper, a surprising endearment that he only ever uses in moments like this. "Need you."

"Yeah. 'Kay." 

Darren unzips Chris' jeans and sneaks his hand past Chris' underwear, reaching for his mostly soft cock. After a few strokes, Darren has Chris fully hard and panting beneath him.

He gets Chris' pants and boxer briefs down his thighs, just enough for him to spring free; Darren stares, his mouth watering at the memory of tasting him. Instead of doing that, however, he reaches into his nightstand for lube and a condom, depositing them beside Chris' hip. He fumbles for his own pants, only moving far away enough to comfortably shimmy his jeans down to his knees.

"You could actually get up." Chris giggles sweetly.

"Please, like you want me to." Darren scoffs.

"I know you'd come back," Chris states confidently, his fingers gliding over the small of Darren's back and then pushing down his boxers. As he sweeps over Darren's ass, Darren feels his own cock stirring with want. 

He shudders into the touch. "Fuck me?" Chris proposes bluntly.

"You sure?"

"Yes. I missed you."

It's not the first time Chris has uttered those words since he's been here but they're laced with such a different meaning that it makes Darren's breath hitch.

"Me too," Darren replies, scrambling for the lube and flicking the cap open to squeeze some of the substance onto his fingers.

He rubs his fingertips together and pushes Chris' legs apart as much as he can, given the restrictions of their clothing still halfway on. He continues anyway, angling a finger into Chris' asshole.

He works it in up to the knuckle until Chris is cursing and clamoring for him to go faster. But he doesn't, sliding his finger up to the hilt as slowly as possible and crooking it; he pulls out and then back in a few more times before adding a second finger that Chris tightens around.

"Shh, relax," Darren soothes, continuing to drag his fingers inside as he kisses Chris' jaw.

"Don't wanna. Just want you."

Darren takes the hint, pulling out briefly and returning with a third finger.

"Yess," Chris encourages with a groan. "'M ready."

"A little more, honey," Darren tells him, his fingers searching until he finds that spot that has Chris crying out. "Yeah, that's it."

Darren stretches him for a couple more minutes, trying not to think about how amazing it will be to bury himself in that exquisite heat or else it'll be over before he even gets the chance. So he circles his fingers once more and retreats, wiping his fingers on the sheets underneath them.

He gazes at Chris' face, those electric blue eyes already glazing over with lust and a small smile on his mouth.

Darren smiles in return, pushing off the bed to stand up and fully remove his pants and underwear. He takes off the last of Chris' clothes too with a wicked raise of his eyebrows, causing Chris to laugh.

Darren studies every inch of him, from his broad chest and lean stomach to his pale thighs lazily spread open and revealing his heavy leaking cock. Darren gulps, his eyes drifting down to Chris' dusky hole, ready and waiting for him.

"C'mere," Chris urges, his fist wrapping around his cock as he looks at Darren.

Darren climbs on top of him, kissing his mouth once more. Chris' other hand settles on the top of Darren's ass, causing Darren to grind down, their cocks brushing together.

Darren groans, patting the side of the bed for a condom and grabbing the small foil packet. Then he pulls back and kneels between Chris' thighs, ripping the condom open and sliding it onto his dick. He squeezes Chris' hips and inhales sharply as he presses the blunt head inside.

"Oh, fuck," Darren curses, inching in slowly until he's fully seated.

He pauses, giving Chris a moment to adjust. When he meets Chris' awestruck gaze, he remembers exactly how long it's been since they were together like this. It was back in L.A. while Darren was still in talks to play Hedwig and he knew Chris was slipping away from him, though neither one of them could acknowledge the latter fact. An overwhelming relief fills Darren now that he's allowed this chance again.

"I--" Darren starts, one of his thumbs grazing Chris' hipbone.

"I know." Chris interrupts him and swallows. "Just move, baby."

"Okay." Darren breathes, finally thrusting into that perfect heat and trying to maintain control.

"'S okay," Chris says. "You can--Faster."

So he listens, batting Chris' hand away from his cock and jerking him off in earnest. He wants Chris to get there first so he can watch him fall apart and commit it to memory for when they're inevitably on separate coasts once more. He swipes his thumb under the head of Chris' dick as he fucks into him and hits that spot again and again.

"Ugh, Dare." Chris grunts, arching up into him and bending his knees, causing a delicious change in angle.

"Yeah. Shit, Chris. Love you so much," Darren babbles before sucking at his favorite spot, that scar at the base of Chris' neck. 

"You--You too. C'mon, baby. 'M so--Fuck."

Darren sucks a little harder as he continues working Chris over. Then he scrapes his teeth against the skin before pulling back to stare at Chris' completely wrecked expression.

"Yeah?" Darren manages, his hand moving quicker and quicker over Chris' dick until he’s gloriously spilling between them with a quiet moan.

Darren keeps touching him, grip going slack as he focuses on his own pleasure, using Chris' spent body to reach his release and crying out Chris' name as he does.

They stay there, the smell of their sweat and come permeating the air as Darren goes soft inside him.

Chris pets Darren's curls and kisses his forehead. "That was--"

"Yeah," Darren echoes, reluctantly pulling out and rolling away to toss the condom on the floor. "I'm gonna sound like a fucking broken record but I really, really missed you. Fuck Italy. Fuck work. Let's stay here forever."

He lays on his side, facing away from Chris but quickly turning around to look at him again.

"Sounds like a plan." Chris grins, opening his arms.

Darren welcomes the invitation, curling into Chris' side and resting his head on Chris' chest. He doesn't want to think about the next few days or force him into something their blossoming relationship can't handle but God, does he want to share his dreams with Chris, including this whole outdoor festival soon coming to fruition. He holds back, however, and thinks of something else to suggest.

"I do have some fun stuff planned for this week, though. Not in this bed sadly." Darren chuckles, running his hand down the middle of Chris' chest.

"Way to ruin the moment, Dare."

"I'll be the mood killer this time, babe." He tenses as he looks up at Chris. "Y'know, Hedwig is ending in a few days. Will you still be here?"

Chris kisses the top of Darren's head. "Mmm, I don't know. Why?"

"It'd be nice if you could come with me."

Chris exhales harshly and Darren can tell what he's going to say already.

"It's okay if you can't," Darren adds as a safeguard.

"It's not that I don't want to. I'm not sure that it's a good idea. Besides, don't you have other obligations, like bringing you know who?"

"Don't worry about that. You know it's all bullshit." Darren reassures him, sitting up.

Chris joins him. "That's true but it doesn't change anything. I took enough of a risk in coming here. No one even knows I'm in New York except Alla. We should keep it that way."

"So? You snuck into my last show. You can sneak in again and we can meet after."

"Well, how about we just meet here after?" Chris raises an eyebrow. 

"That would be great too but I don't want you to hide. I don't want _us_ to hide."

"So, what? You want to come out or do you want to have me on your arm without any explanation whatsoever? Because I'm not sure that either of those are plausible options. You have a contract, Darren. Or have you forgotten?"

Darren suddenly remembers that stupid morality clause in the contract he signed so many years ago with Fox; he's still tied to them and he can't be seen with Chris or any man in a romantic context for the foreseeable future. He curses his wide-eyed younger self, so naive and overjoyed to finally make it on a hit show that he didn't fully read the documents that would dictate his life for years to come. Even if that wasn't in his contract, he could hear his publicist's voice screaming in his ear about how this would ruin his bankability; his upcoming romantic film would fail and he could never play a leading man again. As much as he opposes this line of reasoning, he knows it's most likely the truth and that the mainstream world probably isn't ready for whatever definition, or lack thereof, he has for his sexuality. 

He just knows that he loves Chris but he also loves the career that he's still establishing. Maybe he'll be in a position to sacrifice the latter one day and tell the truth but he can't afford to right now, not when there's still so much he wants to do. If that includes hiding Chris a little longer, he'll have to deal with it.

He sighs and kisses Chris' shoulder. "Why are you always right?"

"I wish I wasn't this time," Chris states solemnly. 

"Well, I'll try not to have too much fun without you. If you change your mind--" Darren offers, draping an arm over Chris' waist.

"I won't. I can't."

Darren's heart deflates as his fingers slide across Chris' stomach, still slick with come. "Right. I should, um, I should clean us up."

"Dare--"

"I'll be right back. It's not like I can leave." He chuckles wryly and gives Chris a brief peck on the lips before he departs the bed. He heads to the bathroom, taking the used condom with him and throwing it in the trash. He grips the vanity and looks up in the mirror, examining the wrinkle between his brows. Would it still be there if Chris wasn't in his bed?

Probably because he would be pining and wondering what Chris is up to now. Instead, he took a chance and got him back. He wouldn't trade this summer for anything, even the fuckups, since it lead him to this. Sure, the situation is far from ideal but he can't imagine being without Chris ever again. Yet, a small part of him craves that bit of normalcy where they could just go out to dinner and not worry about seeing a post on social media speculating on their personal lives.

But he'll have to take the private moments for now because it's all they have. He swallows and turns away, remembering why he left Chris alone in his bed in the first place. He rinses his hands off and then he grabs a washcloth and wets it under the faucet. He makes his way back to the bedroom, kneeling beside Chris on the bed once he gets there.

Chris is lying on his back, staring at the ceiling as Darren gently wipes at Chris' torso, right beneath his belly button. Chris shivers, still not making eye contact with Darren.

Then Darren rubs the cloth over Chris' soft cock and repeats his sentiment from earlier.

"Chris, I--I love you and it fucking sucks that I can't share everything with you like I want to. It's so--I just hate it."

Chris' eyes water and he takes in a sharp breath before speaking. "Well, I guess that's the price we pay, Dare. We have each other but not much else."

Darren abandons the washcloth, depositing it on the floor in favor of cupping Chris' face with both hands. "We're gonna be okay though, right?"

Chris nods. "I want this. I want you. I've always wanted you. I'm not about to give up now."

Darren blinks back his own tears and kisses Chris deeply on the mouth, pouring all his emotions into it.

Chris kisses back and neither of them come up for air for what feels like hours, drowning in each other until they're both too tired for anything else.

Darren reluctantly slips to the side and Chris spoons him from behind, his mouth featherlight against Darren's neck. 

Darren falls asleep, content to settle for Chris’ presence beside him and his promise to stay, even if it's only under the covers for now.

\----

Somehow, Chris remains in the city until Sunday, filling the days with writing and video conferencing while Darren is gone doing more press.

They fall into bed every night and lazily get each other off but they don't talk about what's wrong or how to fix it.

Darren doesn't think he can fix it, not without a major image overhaul that he can't manage right now.

They shower together and Darren gets ready to go to the Belasco, this time as a welcome guest. Chris is shirtless in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, when a fully dressed Darren wraps his arms around Chris from behind.

"Please," Darren begs, standing on his tiptoes to whisper in Chris' ear.

Chris spits in the sink and looks at Darren in the vanity mirror. "You know my answer."

"But, baby, I--" he starts futilely but stops when he notices Chris' mouth set in a hard line.

Chris spins to face him. "I'm sorry. Go have a good time. I'll be here." 

Darren gives him a weak smile and a kiss goodbye before he heads out the door. 

He attends the show, an exhilarating and bittersweet experience to watch someone else inhabit Hedwig's skin. He can't help recalling how he felt donning her heels and denim minidress. It was so freeing creatively and emotionally to spit out her sharp-tongued wit and humor, mentioning Chris and other men in such a raw and sexual way. Sadly he doesn't have that outlet anymore but he does sort of have Chris.

Or does he?

The restrictions of real life come roaring back when he looks to the empty seat next to him where Chris should be (his sort of girlfriend isn't there either, gladly. He honestly can't even remember if she was supposed to come and he can't bring himself to care). He hates that he's here alone in this full circle moment, at the very theater where he realized a lifelong dream and has returned as an awestruck fan with a unique experience.

Darren wishes that Chris could be here to share the feelings rushing through him right now, especially now that they're together. He wants him to see the utter joy on his face and squeeze his hand when Hedwig talks of soulmates, love, and how everyone finds their other half eventually. Because for him, Chris is that other half, ripped away and sitting on the other side of town, still in the shadows of Darren's life. He wonders what Chris is doing then and is tempted to leave to check his phone. He decides against it though, giving the performers the courtesy of staying until the end. Besides he can't say no to an onstage singalong of "Wig in a Box" with the past and current cast members of the show and with the songwriter himself, Stephen Trask.

He jumps around during the number, some of it muscle memory from the show and some just playing around. It's a fun and light way to almost forget the dullness in Chris' eyes as Darren left him there. Darren squashes down the memory as various people involved in the production stop him for photo opportunities and superficial chatter. He gives them all, from audio engineers to actors and the band members, the equal attention that they deserve.

He doesn't refuse when they ask him to go to an after party filled with drinks and more mindless conversation; he's having fun despite the circumstances. However after three glasses of whiskey, he's wistfully glancing across the room to Neil Patrick Harris and his husband David, whom he's lucky enough to count among his acquaintances now. David has a hand resting on the small of Neil's back as he looks adoringly at him. Meanwhile, Neil's unaware, talking to a redheaded woman in a fancy dress, until he quickly catches his husband's gaze. Then Neil gives him an answering smile before he returns to chatting once more.

Darren's heart pangs for Chris as he slams the glass down on the bar and leaves the party without a word of goodbye to anyone. He takes the subway back home and races up the stairs to his apartment.

Chris is lying in bed, under the covers and turned away from the doorway. Darren wastes no time, toeing off his shoes and crawling in beside him.

"Baby, I'm here," Darren declares and kisses the back of his neck. "It was good but fuck, I wish you were there."

"Me too," Chris says quietly.

"One day, yeah?" Darren asks hopefully.

Chris turns in his embrace but doesn't answer the question. "I want to make it up to you. I don't know how but--"

"There's nothing to make up for. We don't need a shitshow on our hands, especially right now. Like you said, if we're not ready, we shouldn't rush it, y'know? We have all the time in the world."

Chris studies him, his bright blue eyes shining with so much affection. "You're really in this, aren't you?"

"Of course I am. Why do you think I wanted you there tonight? I want you. I want us, not just like this. As long as you want it too."

"Darren." He smirks. "I've been here all week. What do you think?" Then his smile falls away. "I just couldn't-- Not today, but I know it was important to you. So I'm going to make it up to you."

"You're in New York. That's more than enough," Darren assures him, though he knows there's no stopping Chris when he's determined to do something.

"No. I'm going to. I'm coming back for Elsie Fest. Maybe not performing but I want to be here in the city. I want you to come home to me."

Darren inhales sharply, one of his hands touching Chris' cheek. "I would love nothing more but I don't know how much I'll be around. I've got so much shit to do. The guys are coming in and we have to rehearse and--"

"That's fine. I can take care of myself. We'll just have to make the most of the time we do have together."

"Like right now?"

"Like right now." 

Chris leans in for a soft and sweet kiss but pulls away too quickly. "I love you," he murmurs. "Just had to say it again."

"Love you too, baby."

"I wouldn't be doing this otherwise. Not for anyone else."

Suddenly Chris pushes Darren onto his back and straddles him. 

"No one else," Chris reiterates and Darren lets Chris pin him down, kissing him senseless.

Then he slides down Darren's body and settles between his legs. He unzips Darren's jeans and peels down his underwear, wrapping his mouth around Darren's cock and sucking him off until he comes.

Darren goes to return the favor but Chris shakes his head before pulling Darren's pants off and tucking him back into his underwear.

Chris crawls back on top of Darren, staying there. "Another time. I know you're tired, Dare. It's been a long day."

Darren cradles the back of Chris' neck, holding him close. "A long week but I'm glad you were around, even if it wasn't in all the ways I wanted."

"Well, this way counts, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah, it does." He smiles and brings Chris in for a kiss, trying to focus on what he does have rather than what he doesn't.

Even if they can't be in the spotlight together, Chris is still sleeping beside him and it has to be enough.

\----

It doesn't feel like enough though, not when Chris has to leave for Los Angeles the next day. He knows they're both busy with projects on different coasts and that Chris will hopefully miss him too. Still, it feels like a piece of him is walking out the door, not to return for at least two more weeks.

So Darren distracts himself with finalizing plans for Elsie Fest, taking a trip to Vegas for a music festival and begrudgingly managing a brief visit to Hollywood. He'll have to dress up and show off once more for a premiere that he'd rather not attend but at least he can go see Chris after that.

Until then, he's stuck with Mia again, forcing a smile and promoting a show that he doesn't even care about or believe in. Unfortunately, it's connected to his former boss, whom he still has to work with, so he literally grins and bears it.

He also knows that Chris is at his house, mere miles away and a welcome refuge in this storm.

Despite a warning from the girl, he jets off in a car away from the premiere, unknotting the tie from the base of his throat so he finally feels like he isn't suffocating. He politely asks the driver to take him to Chris' place, even handing him a generous tip to ensure his discretion. He also instructs him to bring his date from the premiere to wherever she chooses to go (he may not like her too much anymore but he's not heartless).

He hurries up the walkway and knocks on the door, all the breath escaping his lungs like always when he sees Chris on the other side.

"Hi," Chris says. "Lea told me you'd be in town but--"

"She's the last person I want to talk about right now," Darren declares, pushing Chris inside and shutting the door behind them. "In fact, I don't want to talk about anything. I want you."

"Whoa, Dare, don't you think--?"

"I told you, I don't want to think." He kisses Chris on the mouth fiercely. "I just want to feel," he continues, "and forget about what's outside that door."

"But what if--?"

"Fuck it." He slams Chris against the wall and kisses his neck. "I've spent too much time away from you, pretending to be something I'm not, pretending not to care about you. In here, I don't have to do that. I can breathe, Chris. Can't you just breathe with me?"

Darren pulls back to look at him and Chris stares, his eyebrows drawing together in a silent question that he dares not ask.

Instead, Chris answers, "Yeah. Okay. Yes, but it hasn't been that long."

"Does it matter?" Darren wonders, drawing him in for another kiss.

"N-not really," Chris answers once his mouth is free. "Do you want to--?"

"I want to stay. Let me stay here, please," Darren pleads, throwing his tie on the floor and unbuttoning a few of the top buttons of his shirt. "Unless there's a reason I shouldn't," he adds, suddenly remembering how Chris had mentioned that a certain someone had still shared his bed.

"No, no reason. You don't--There's no reason, baby. There's no one but you."

Chris untucks Darren's shirt, unbuttons the remaining buttons, and pushes the shirt off Darren's shoulders. He runs his hands down Darren's arms, a soothing balm after a rough night of schmoozing and keeping up this ridiculous facade.

Chris has always had this uncanny ability to break that down and make him forget, if only for a little while, so Darren pulls Chris' shirt over his head and loses himself in the taste of Chris' mouth for as long as he can. Chris takes the hint and drags him upstairs to his room.

Darren stops for a moment, in awe that he's even allowed back in here again after so many months, practically a lifetime ago when he screwed up and he and Chris parted ways. Darren blinks back tears while Chris holds his hand.

"You alright, Dare?"

"Yeah, I--I will be. Just take me to bed."

"Whatever you need." Chris assures him with a brief peck and lays him down on the bed. 

Then Chris slips off Darren's shoes and socks, and eventually his slacks, kissing every newly exposed inch as he goes. After that, Chris mouths up Darren's chest, sucking at one nipple and then slowly moving to the other.

"Y-yes," Darren encourages, bucking his hips and petting Chris' hair.

His hands fall away as Chris trails back down his body, his lips tickling the skin below Darren's belly button.

Darren genuinely laughs for the first time all night and Chris glances up, his smile ghosting over the waistband of Darren's underwear. But the laughter disappears while Chris nuzzles at his crotch, stirring his arousal. Then he sucks at the outline of his shaft, paying careful attention to the head.

"And y-you call me a tease?" Darren manages, his thighs already trembling.

Chris simply arches an eyebrow at him and pulls down Darren's underwear, his cock springing free. He wastes no time licking and sucking one of Darren's balls and shifting to the opposite one. He licks a line up Darren's cock while massaging the sac the way Darren likes.

Darren groans in approval, unable to make any other sound as Chris wraps his mouth around him in earnest, his tongue hitting just under the head. 

Chris takes him in further, inch by inch until he hits the base and barely even gags. He bobs his head up and down repeatedly, bracing his arm across Darren's hips to hold him in place.

"Oh, oh Chris," Darren blurts outs. "'M gonna--What the hell?"

Chris pulls off with a pop, wiping his mouth with his hand. "Not yet," Chris answers hoarsely. "Wanna fuck you."

He studies Chris' flushed face, his hair flopping over his forehead, and his full, spit-slick lips. He thinks of the first time that Chris had desperately fucked him so long ago; he had never let anyone else in like that before or since. It had felt so mindblowingly perfect that he couldn't even comprehend what it might mean then. He didn't want to face the idea that no one, man, woman, or anyone in between, could measure up. After that, he fucked Chris instead and others after him, hoping to match that feeling. Now, Darren knows he can't, so he gives in.

"Yeah. I want to." Darren nods, a thrill running through him at the thought. "Want you to fuck me. I'm all yours, baby."

"Alright. I've got you." Chris grins and climbs up Darren's body, reaching for his nightstand drawer and throwing the necessary items onto the bed. "I promise. I'm here, okay? You can breathe."

Darren's hands skim over Chris' lower back and trail down further, underneath Chris' jeans. "Fuck, I love you so much," Darren murmurs against Chris' lips.

"Love you too. If you change your mind--"

"I won't," he says with conviction.

"Okay. Have you--with anyone else?" 

"No. No one, Chris. Never."

Chris' lips purse and his eyes widen in realization. "Oh. Ohh. I'll--I'll be careful then."

"I trust you, Chris," he says, undoing Chris' fly and shoving his pants and underwear down his legs just enough. 

Chris replies with a rough kiss to Darren's mouth and blindly searches for the lube until he finds it next to him on the mattress.

"L--lift up your legs a little, honey," Chris instructs when he pulls back.

Darren does so, bending his knees and planting his feet flat on the bed.

"Yeah, like that," Chris whispers, squeezing the substance onto his fingers and rubbing them together. "Beautiful."

Suddenly, Chris is pressing in with one finger and crooking it.

"Ahh, shit," Darren curses. "M-more. Please."

Chris works it in a few more times before pulling out and adding a second finger. He circles them while stroking the inside of Darren's knee with his free hand. 

"Soon," Chris tells him. "You're so fucking tight. I can't--A little more."

Darren takes a deep breath, pain and pleasure blending into one while Chris keeps fucking him slowly with his fingers. Then, for a second, there's emptiness.

"Ch-Chris," Darren calls out, looking at him with a frown.

"Relax. I told you, I got you," Chris repeats, returning with a third finger. "Focus on me."

He feels impossibly full now as he stares at Chris, continuing to stretch him with such care that he thinks he's falling even further for him, if that's possible. But he pushes that aside in favor of his aching cock.

"I-I'm ready. Just fuck me."

Chris' chest is heaving as he nods and pulls out once more, wiping his fingers on the sheets. He jerks himself a couple of times and then picks up the condom, ripping it open and sliding it onto his erection. He lines himself up and Darren can tell that his fingers are shaking.

Darren reaches out, his hand finding Chris' free one. When he squeezes it, he can feel Chris relaxing for a second before there's a harsh, blunt push inside him.

"Oh, oh," Darren cries out.

Chris cautiously fills him up, little by little until he's fully seated, his eyes flickering across Darren's face.

"I'm okay," Darren tells him, brushing Chris' hair back from his forehead. "Better than okay. Move, please."

Chris licks his lips, a tentative smile playing across his mouth as he follows Darren's order.

Chris wraps his hand around Darren's cock, jacking him off and driving in and out of his body. It's almost too much, like completing a circuit that jolts Darren back to life after laying dormant for so long, waiting for exactly this. But he needs more so he kisses the corner of Chris' mouth and down his jaw, Chris grunting with every movement.

"Yeah, unhh, Darren," he breathes out. "Feels so good."

"K-keep going," Darren says after he kisses his favorite spot low on Chris' neck. 

Chris does, stroking Darren roughly, pulling almost all the way out and fucking back in, hitting that spot with each thrust. Chris' thumb grazes over the slit in the head of Darren's cock.

Then Darren stiffens, clenching around Chris' dick and spilling between them with a curse and Chris' name.

Chris' grip loosens as he continues his pace relentlessly, pushing in and out until he stills and releases into Darren's spent body. Chris collapses on top of him, burying his face into Darren's neck. 

Darren stays silent, appreciating this moment and knowing it's going to melt away soon enough. He kisses Chris' temple, catching his breath and finally speaking.

"Th-thank you," Darren stutters. "You didn't have to."

"Don't thank me." Chris laughs, pulling out and leaving Darren empty again. "I love you, remember?"

Chris' fingers run across the scruff of Darren's jaw before Chris rolls off of him and disposes of the condom somewhere on the floor.

"How could I forget?" Darren asks, wrapping his arms around Chris' waist.

Chris kicks off his pants and underwear from his ankles. "You can't. You're stuck with me, even when you can't wait long enough for me to take my clothes off all the way."

"Are you kidding? That was so fucking hot, baby. I wouldn't change that part."

Chris shivers when Darren kisses the back of his neck.

"Mmm, it was." Chris swallows. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Right now, yes. This is the only place I've felt okay since I stepped off that plane, Chris."

"So much so that you risked everything to come here?"

"Yeah, I had to. If I'm going to be stuck in this hell for a day or two, I'd rather be with you than anyone else. I think I'm still leasing a place here. I don't even know, but it doesn't feel like my place anymore. I'm not sure it ever did."

"It's not home. That's what you mean," Chris returns. "Not like New York."

"No it's not. I met you here so it'll always mean something to me but all the other shit surrounding it--I can't--'M so fucking tired, baby."

Chris turns to face him and strokes Darren's cheek. "So sleep. You have a place here with me. Don't worry about the rest 'til morning."

Darren remembers how Chris has a house here, his roots planted down more firmly, not floating across the world and between coasts like Darren has been doing ever since he wrapped Glee. He wonders how they can have a future if they're hardly ever in the same place at the same time, still stealing moments whenever they can. A fresh wave of anguish hits him but he tries to tamp it down, burrowing into Chris' chest as he thinks of the upcoming weekend and the next time they'll be together.

"You have a place with me too," Darren mumbles before he drifts off to sleep.

He just hopes that Chris hears it.

\----

The next day he borrows Chris' clothes to avoid walking out in last night's outfit. He kisses Chris goodbye and has a car bring him to the hotel where he was supposed to stay. Then he quickly changes into his own clothes for a work meeting before heading back to New York. After that, he keeps busy with all the preparation for Elsie Fest but by the time the weekend arrives, the reality of his personal life crashes in once more.

Late on Saturday morning, the day before the festival, he has a break in rehearsal with his Starkid pals so he checks his phone. He sees one missed text from Chris.

_Miss you. Can't wait to see you again._

Darren grins brightly and is about to reply when there's a harsh bump to his forearm.

"Ouch." Darren groans and finds Joey next to him.

"What's got you all smiley?"

Darren turns off his screen and shrugs. "Nothing. Just really excited about tomorrow."

"Right." Joey winks and leans in. "I think it's a little more than that.”

Darren looks around the room quickly to all their other friends who seem to be busy with their own conversations. He knows that no one here would talk, even if they did overhear. Still, he hesitates.

"Maybe. It's from someone you kind of know already," Darren finally says.

"Someone, eh?"

"Yeah but it's not who you think." Darren blushes. "You may have even seen him around our place several years ago."

Joey had lived with him in L.A. and had caught Chris sneaking out of their apartment once so he sort of knew about them. He wondered what the deal was but Darren assured him it was just a fling that would probably run its course. Joey never believed it for a second though, repeatedly encouraging Darren to go after him. Of course, Darren didn't listen, even if his heart already knew the truth about Chris.

"Oh, him?” Joey replies. “When did that start up again, or did it ever stop? What about--?”

“The other one? That’s been over for a while.” He grimaces. “That's all I want to get into about it. As for Chris, we, um, we patched things up. We’re pretty good now.”

Darren tells him the truncated version of all that happened in the past few months and how he and Chris are working on having an actual relationship.

“Wow. For reals?"

“Yeah. I just saw him a few days ago in L.A. and I already miss him," he replies wistfully, remembering how Chris was his safety net after a night of freefalling into blinding lights and artificial people. "He's the only real thing I have since this ride started."

Joey tilts his head, giving him a pointed gaze.

"Besides you and the guys, of course. And my family. I can always fall back on that but Chris--He's different, y'know?"

"Thank you. Glad you haven't forgotten us." Joey laughs, but then his tone turns serious. “You should hold on to him this time.”

“Believe me. I'm trying. He's supposed to be coming tonight. He's been flying to New York every chance he gets.”

“That's awesome. I'm happy that you got your shit together for once.”

“Yeah, for once.” Darren chuckles.

“Does anyone else know?”

Darren shakes his head, leaving out that he hasn't told his manager or public relations people yet. “Only a few people.”

“Alright.” Joey leans in with a whisper, his hand on Darren's shoulder. “So if you wanna keep this under wraps again, I'm totally your guy. Well, I'm not really your guy since that's role taken, but y’know.”

“Got it. Thank you.”

“Except for that one time six years ago when--”

“Okay,” Darren replies, drawing out the first syllable. “This conversation is over. Let’s get back to work.”

“Work. Didn't know that was an actual thing but fine. It is _your_ festival. You're the boss this time, I guess.” 

Joey calls attention to the rest of the group, trying to get back on track while Darren takes the opportunity to text Chris back.

_Can't wait either. I'm counting the hours. Just FYI, Joey knows about us. Again._

Chris responds with:

 _Okay. Thanks for telling me, babe._

Darren smiles at the endearment, knowing that little by little they're heading in the right direction.

Then he frowns when Chris messages him again a few minutes later:

_Do you think that's a good idea?_

_What is that supposed to mean?_ Darren furiously replies.

_I’ll talk to you later._

_You’ll still be here, right?_ Darren texts but gets no answer, leaving him to wonder if they're swerving away from each other once more.

\----

The rest of the day is a flurry of activity, so much so that Darren almost forgets that one person is still missing.

It's nearing midnight when Darren texts Chris but then he realizes if Chris is on a plane, he probably can't answer.

He’s been jittery throughout the late dinner with his Starkid friends and a couple of acts from Elsie Fest, Laura Osnes and Aaron Tveit. Those two seem pretty cozy but it only makes Darren long for Chris. Everyone is a few drinks in, finishing up their meal and contemplating dessert or calling it a night. He takes the time to excuse himself and head outside to call Chris.

Chris doesn't pick up and Darren hangs up his phone, his hands shaking with the uneasiness that something is wrong. He hopes his earlier fears aren't correct.

Laura, who’s now sitting on Aaron’s lap, looks at Darren, worry etching her features. “What's wrong, Dare? I'm sure tomorrow’ll go fine. I mean, it's live so I'm sure there'll be something but what you've managed to do so far is nothing short of brilliant.”

“Thanks, Laur. I really hope so.”

Joey, who's next to him, studies Darren’s face sympathetically. “I'm sure his flight just got delayed or something,” he assures quietly, though he doesn't sound too confident.

Darren wonders for a moment if he acted too needy back in L.A. and if that only cemented Chris’ feelings that they should stay a secret. Chris coming back here only jeopardizes the semblance of privacy that they built since they've been together. What if Chris has decided he can't risk getting caught this time?

“Yeah. Maybe,” Darren returns dejectedly.

A few minutes later as he hears Lauren order some chocolate confection, his phone dings with a message from Chris.

_Love you. Can we talk in a little while?_

Darren's stomach churns with anxiety but he agrees, telling Chris that he needs at least half an hour.

Now all he can do is await his fate.

\----

After the bill is settled, Darren wearily offers his goodbyes to everyone and hugs Joey a little tighter than the rest.

“It'll be fine. If not, I have tequila after the day is over tomorrow. Or during if you really need it,” Joey offers.

“Thanks, man.” He laughs, though a twinge of sadness fills him.

Darren heads home alone on the subway and climbs the stairs to his apartment despite the perfectly good elevator.

Then he changes into comfortable sweatpants and a well-worn Michigan shirt before calling Chris. He debates FaceTime but he doesn't know if he can stand seeing Chris’ face if he's only going to get let down somehow.

Instead of hello, Chris immediately greets him with, _“I'm sorry. I can't.”_

Darren's heart drops. “Guess that means you're not coming.”

_“I want to, more than anything. I just don't know if it's safe. If even one person catches me--”_

“Then tell the truth. You're heading to New York to support a friend. Or don't say anything. Or have Alla threaten them. She can get pretty scary.”

_“You know it's not that simple.”_

“It's a big city, Chris. It's easy. You’ve showed up before without anyone noticing.”

_“And how many more times do you think I can get away with it?”_

“C’mon, babe. You're a ninja. You can do anything.” Darren chuckles hollowly.

_“I’m serious. How do you know we won't get caught eventually? There's a reason I haven't shown up anywhere with you. Or have you forgotten?”_

He sighs. “What about me coming home to you?”

_“I think that might have to wait, Dare. At least for a little while. Besides, you don't need any distractions on your big day. Constantly worrying about where I am or what I'm doing.”_

“I'm always going to worry about where you are and what you're doing because I love you. That doesn't change when you're not here. I just want to share how happy I am with you about this because you're special to me and this is special to me. Please reconsider.”

_“I don't want to keep you up any later, honey. You should get some sleep.”_

“If this is about Joey--”

_“It's not. It's about you and me. What we have is precious and I want to keep it safe for a little while longer, okay? When everybody finds out, things will be different. If they saw you at my place last week and I showed up this week, it's only a matter of time before they put two and two together, babe.”_

Darren thinks about how reckless he was in showing up at Chris’ house in California. Yeah it was stupid but he needed his man and forgot about the consequences just long enough to fall into Chris’ bed. He's so screwed if the driver changed his mind, if any random stranger caught photographic evidence of him leaving Chris’ house, or if his date decides she's not being paid enough to put up with this anymore.

“Shit, Chris. So much could go wrong. I haven't been thinking about this the way you have.”

_“Obviously. Glad one of us is smart enough to. You have more to lose than I do, given the circumstances. But you're always thinking with your heart. That's one of the things I love about you. It's how we found our way back to each other.”_

Despite the pain in his chest, Darren recalls the voicemail he left for Chris in June when he finally admitted that he loved him and wanted to be with him. It's been a long and difficult journey since then but it lead to their eventual reunion. He thought getting Chris back would be the toughest part but it turns out that keeping him is going to be just as hard, if not more so.

“We did find our way back to each other, Chris,” Darren finally says. “I don't want to get so caught up in all the bullshit that we forget what's real though.”

 _“We won't. I'm doing this for you, for us. I need you to remember that, please.”_ Chris practically begs. _“Sometimes we might have to make sacrifices if we want this to last. And I--I really want this to last.”_

“Me too. More than anything. But I wish it wasn't like this.”

_“I know, Dare. Me neither. One day it won't be. We’ll figure it out.”_

Darren nods and then responds, “Y-yeah,” remembering that Chris can't see him. “I hope so.” 

But Darren wonders when.

\----

He tosses and turns in bed for a few hours, barely closing his eyes amidst all the worries running through his head.

Will all the food trucks show up? Will all the musical acts show up? Will the equipment work? Will he make it to the venue on time? What will the audience be like? More importantly, why has he worked so hard to accomplish something that he can't share with one of the most important people in his life?

He sits up on his mattress and scrolls through his photos, finding the most recent one that he took of Chris from last week: a closeup of his face with that genuine scrunchy smile that Darren loves so much. He touches the screen reverently and sighs before getting ready for the long day ahead.

He’ll make it through because he still has Chris in his heart and he has his other dreams coming to life.

\----

Later, among all the photo opportunities with his friends, with other musical acts, and with fans, he finally gets to take a seat in his trailer for a short five minute break. But then there's a knock on the door.

“Darren?” His assistant calls. “You decent?”

“Yeah,” he responds. “Come on in. What's up?”

She opens the door, a huge bouquet of daisies in her arms. “These came for you a little while ago. Thought you might want them.”

Darren's brows draw together, wondering who they're from and how they knew where to send them. “Thanks.”

He takes the flowers, searching for a note that's buried in the middle. He reads the scrawl on it carefully and can't help tearing up:

_DC,_

_So sorry I couldn't be there like I planned. You know how much I wish I could be. You'll be amazing today. You already are. Knock ‘em dead. See you soon._

_Yours,_ _CC_

He remembers when they were still just friends and he told Chris that one of his childhood nicknames was Daisy; Chris had laughed adorably and a blush rose high on his cheeks as he caught Darren staring at him. Darren wished he had kissed that smile away then and not wasted so much time thinking about it.

Now he's thankful that he eventually acted because even if Chris is thousands of miles away, he can still feel his love. Since Chris can't be there, he’ll have to accept it.

But he doesn’t want to. Darren texts him anyway, still blinking back wetness:

_Thanks for the flowers. I'm guessing daisies were not a coincidental choice._

Chris’ reply comes less than a minute later:

_Nope, Daisy ;) They're only a small consolation for what I can't do. They're aren't enough._

Darren tries to swallow back the hurt and says:

_No they aren't but I love you and I'm yours too. <3_

_Good. :) A heart emoticon, really?_ Chris answers. _You've been hanging out with too many teenage girls._

_Hey, they're not all teenage girls. Sometimes they're really handsome dudes._

Chris simply flirts in return:

_Oh, I know because I'm one of them. ;)_

Darren laughs and responds:

_Ha. Now who's the emoticon expert? And how do you know I wasn't talking about Aaron Tveit? He's pretty dreamy._

_Haha I'll give you that because it’s true. :P,_ Chris tells him.

Darren pictures Chris’ smirk and wishes so badly that he was standing in front of him or at least waiting for him somewhere in the city despite the conversation they had last night.

 _Fuck. You should be here,_ Darren types back. _Miss you like crazy._

 _Me too. I’m sorry,_ Chris says. _We talked about this._

 _I know,_ Darren answers. _It still sucks._

_Maybe one day it won’t._

Until then, Darren will have to wait and enjoy the things he does have so he heads back out to the festival, determined to make the best of this experience.

It's easy when he meets fans and they tell him how much he's changed their lives and later, when he looks out into the crowd that night and takes the stage, a thrill like no other rushing through him.

When he finally lays down in the early morning hours, however, he realizes he's alone again, in an empty bed filled with nothing but memories.

And he blames Chris for being paranoid enough to change his mind and himself for going along with it.

He barely resists contacting Chris again for fear of screwing up and starting another argument. He lets it lie for now, falling into a fitful sleep with only his uneasy thoughts.

Hopefully those won't last while his relationship with Chris will. For now, it’s on to preparing for the next thing where maybe he’ll cross paths with Chris and it’ll all be okay again.

He’ll be safe in Chris arms.

It's only a matter of time.

**Author's Note:**

> FYI: I'm definitely planning on writing more of this.


End file.
